Wk. 11 - Nerves

Statement on "nerves", written to Kraftwerk's "Computer Love"(? I can't recall)

Nervous? I’m not nervous, what makes you think I’mnervous imnotnervousimnotfreakedi’m perfectlyfine!

So I’m a little nervous. I don’t mind the crowd. Four people or four thousand people I don’t mind. And it’s not the idea. The idea is solid. I like the idea, and I put a lot of thought into it. The jokes? The jokes are awesome, my jokes are always awesome. No…what is it?

The microphone? Nope. I’ve been in front of microphones before, had to pitch to them before, not a big deal, really.

The dry mouth thing? When I have to get up and speak, even when I’m not nervous, my mouth goes all dry and I end up croaking words. But I’ve got my bottle of water here, so I shouldn’t have any problem with the dry mouth thing.
No, it’s something else. Something bigger. It’s reality. In first year, second year, in high school, I could talk about whatever the hell I wanted, totally hypothetical, not remotely related to reality. I could pitch this, or that or the other, no worries about it being realistic, as long as it was entertaining it was fine.

But now, I need budget layouts? I need possible producers? Oh my God, I need demographics and I need outlines and I need costs. Demographics and Outlines and Costs, oh my! Demographics and Outlines and Costs, oh my!

I’ve never actually pitched anything I thought would ever go anywhere. Even in debating, I never argued anything I believed in, I always played devil’s advocate. So now, I have to go and stand there with something I really want to happen. And I know it’s just a classroom, but it’s still a pitch. And it’s still my ambition, my idea, my writing under the microscope. It’s never been so much of “me” up there.

And, oh, I forgot the video! What if they don’t like the video. This video is my taste, it’s a clear outline of where I want both the show, and all its extra content, to go. If they all hate it, does that mean they hate my idea? Does that mean I’ll never be able to make it happen? I mean my God, I’m comparing my great vision to a show that only made it one and a half seasons before it was cancelled. Brought back, yes, in production now, but still…shitcanned to make way for some rich-teens-in-the-sun pop trash.

I hate that. I hate the thought of my great idea, my great vision, failing. I don’t want it to fail. I don’t mind failing, not in the least. I’ve failed before, it presentations and in essays, well actually no, never failed a presentation. But it’s not my presentation they could shoot down. It’s what’s in my head. What if they find a way to kill this great idea? Will they kill the others as well? Will all my creativity die, and leave me with a shift to studying accountancy and buying lots of beige shirts?

Eight years. I’ve wanted this for eight years. Nearly a decade, more than a third of my life I’ve wanted one thing and one thing only. I’ve torpedoed every other opportunity for a career, for a love life, for any kind of social life, to pursue this one. After so many bad ideas, after struggling through hack writing and turning to clichés, after finally escaping all the traps of the beginning writer, will my first quality idea get slammed? Has someone already done it? Are all my great innovations already out there on Dutch or Japanese or Slovak TV?

Maybe I’m just late to the party, a gate crasher already drunk and full of himself and getting to work on spiling everyone else’s fun. Is that who I am? It’s Caine’s 18th all over again. I’m about to puke on someone’s dress. Metaphorically speaking, of course, now. Caitlin never did forgive me. Now though, am I going to taint this great story? Turn a fun and thrilling tale into another mass-produced/mass-consumed piece of TV trash> another multimillion dollar white noise generator? No, I won’t, surely not.

I’m a smart guy. I have to say it, over and over. I do have good ideas. I’m not just useful for semiotics. God, I can’t just be good for semiotics. I HAVE to be creative. I mean, Hero & Zero was a hugely popular idea. But that was rip off of “The Tick”. The Tick was a hero, not a villain. The premise is the same, only the perspective is different. Isn’t new perspective a new story? You even looked at all “The Tick” history. It’s not, it’s my idea and it’s a good, new idea.